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Back to archives for Runaway daughtersWe’ve forgotten to wait patiently for the beautiful butterfly to emerge from the cocoon itself instead of rushing through and breaking it open, killing the life inside. Let it handle its transition, says ANJU MUNSHIFirst Ashok Todi, then Chiranjeevi and now Sweetie Sahu’s father. Runaway daughters declaring a coup against their fathers, seeking police protection for fear of their lives are not only becoming repetitive on the TV screens and in print but are also stirring discomfort in parenting circles. While the Todi methodology was questionable, dad Chiranjeevi exercised judicious self-restraint. Could these situations have been better handled if parents had brought up their growing children better? Or is this a mental make-up built over the years, a prejudice for class and religion that has the final say? To raise children and then to deal with these very young adults in today’s environment is another name for delicate diplomacy, where offering a non-judgmental ear and a sympathetic heart works better, and where talking pays dividends. To build up mutual trust and confidence in one’s daughters and sons, even if the pride goes to the altar is a principle that all of us, as parents, have adhered to, have read so much about and have been striving to achieve. Then where are things going wrong? We live in a country where honour killings, infanticide, police-goon nexus are quite common. Class and caste are still burning issues. Hostility between different religious segments and a prejudice that multiplies manifold in case of marital alliances is a kind of a cultural compulsion that we all have been living with. It is not that interfaith marriages have not been taking place in recent years, they do, but not without creating a flutter; in the longer run, with persistence these sticky issues do get resolved. A little bit of flexibility on either side eases the situation. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen most of the time. Parental opposition is in fact worsening with times, say counselors and experts in this field. Where lies the problem? Jolly Laha, a psychoanalyst associated with Kolkata’s Samikshani, a centre for psyco-analytical studies and mental therapy, says: “Today’s parents are mere providers and suffer from a protective instinct; as a result of which they don’t allow their children to make mistakes and thus hamper their growth. One should bring them up with an ability to make them feel responsible for their own actions. It is important for them to make mistakes, be punished in classrooms and also falter at times. A strong analytical ability works wonders. If you make all their decisions right from their childhood, they lose the competence to decide things in their favour and for their good even after reaching adulthood. They grow up to marry a person of their choice, without knowing the repercussions and it is too late for you as parents to put your foot down. You have to let go. “Right from young age children need to understand that they cannot be protected all their lives by their parents. Teach your kids from an early stage to be responsible for their actions and to face the consequences; help them find themselves and evolve at their levels, failing which resistance later in life will only worsen maters. You need to learn to be your own critic as others cannot do this job for you.” So then the problem lies in giving all and also the best, thanks to the consumer boom. The word “No” has no place in today’s parenting. Best clothes, good cars, designer holidays ~ you get them all if they ask for it. A simple thing like going to nani’s or dadi’s house in ones vacations has been replaced with going to Europe or Bangkok. Affordability has led to over-protection. The young adult today has it all laid out before him. He is deprived of ways to find himself, discover his inner-self. His school, his friends his social atmosphere is all predetermined. Parents may not realise when they overstepped their role. “Even if you are doing it for their own good, consider that it may not truly be in their interest”, says Laha. Sometimes failure or emotional hurt is the best teacher. Ease up on the reins and let the young adults take more responsibility for themselves is the advise given by experts. It can also be argued that some things can never change and that there is a recognisable clash between two generations which is a timeless and placeless phenomenon and is nothing new. It is relating the same story with different characters. It is the story of any adolescent, trapped between his parents’ culture and the dominant culture of the place where he or she is raised ~ a new changed environment from what the parents have known and lived in. Priyanka, Srija and Sweety, belonging to rich, influential, conservative and strict families, lived in a culture that wasn’t theirs, they followed what was chosen for them, right from the best schools and colleges to the code of conduct. They went to good schools (some even go abroad to study), mixed openly with their peers, were forthright and expressive and like any youngster were trying to maintain themselves within their own traditions. Yet, they were driven by an understandable teenage need for romance and recognition seeking to escape from “authority”. While the paternal side is sensitive on issues of religion society pride and class, the youngsters are vocal about declarations of freedom and moral self-righteousness. This emerging situation is nowhere close to providing a fertile ground from which healthy relationships can be plucked. So does it mean that cases of mistrust and hatred between fathers and their offsprings will multiply, considering that no one wants to give in? The psychoanalysts find parents to be a study in contradiction. “On one side, they want the best education for their children without widening their own horizon, and on the other, they want them to stick to the traditional groove, thereby failing to navigate situations in an era of westernisation,” says Laha. She also finds that parents today suffer from a peer pressure of a sort, where their children need to have better lifestyle than their peers. “In a race to give them the best, like designer holidays, designer outfits and good life, deep down they are not comfortable and suffer from anxiety.” Double standard, over protection and peer stress has created a confused generation, that which is caught between the East and the West; the feelings of insecurity and rebelliousness amongst the children translate into breaking away from all ties. For Priyanka, who lived amongst comfortable patterns, love arrived with its own baggage. As a daughter of an indulgent father, who gave in to her demands however big or small, she secretly knew that one day Rizwanur would be accepted and her father would come around. She went ahead and got married in the hope that things would soon cool down and be sorted out. On this assurance and with limitless patience, she called Rizwanur the last time asking him to wait till things became normal, to which he said that he would wait forever. It is good to take the Todi incident as a piece of warning, a warning to change and upgrade with times and to allow the children to grow up on their own. Todi and his daughter are not alone in this. Most of us, recipients of this ancient primitive code of conduct that has failed to get upgraded with time can join him and may have had similar experiences but which never got known to the outside world. We still treat our eighteen year olds as kids, give in to their whims, hold their little finger right up to their marriage and through it also, subject the girl and the boy to astrological compatibility tests before they get married. Family pride, social standing has frayed the edges of this problem even further. The psychoanalysts call for inner guidance, a navigational point of reference, to give freedom from authority, to reinforce the lost art of communication where resolution, rather than confrontation and suppression, works better . With times and with a hectic pace of living where one beats the rats also in their race one seems to have forgotten the lesson that we learnt so hard of clearing the air, the famous mantra of just letting them be, to wait patiently for the beautiful butterfly to emerge from the cocoon itself instead of rushing through and breaking it open, killing the life inside. Let it handle its transition, a magical metamorphosis! Love is not only blind but has also been destructive in our cultural milieu. Priyanka would have known this by now. It is sad to think that she will have to live with the guilt of playing with her husband’s life and now putting her father’s at the altar too. She herself cannot be envied for what she is into, rather one could equate her to the heroine of a Greek tragedy where the ruling emotions are that of pity and fear. How far have we come from yesteryears? (The author is a freelance contributor)